From the middle of Cali to Aurora, it took three days. There were panic attacks, crises of faith and Wyoming is far too large to contain such a stunning amount of nothing. The move was rushed, because packing was the last thing we wanted to do. we were able to get most everything into that uhaul trailer, it made my truck feel like a tour bus. Such high expectations, too high, certainly. Have had a complete internet blackout since the move. Most frustrating living with other people again. I have had it so nice for so long. First my own place with just me to worry about/doom. Then our house in Fresno, which only had one major fault, existing in fresno. But they were my places, and now I am again relying on the kindness of family and friends for housing. It's a hard step back for my pride. Everything else, well, very much the same, many things quite a lot better. Don't really know how to relate this next bit, I will struggle on. Not a week of being in Denver, and there is a terrorist attack not five miles from my temporary home. I just don't know how to feel about it all. I mean that in addition to all the usual horror, there is something offputting being such a recent transplant and facing the awful reality of gun violence. I know it is a coincidence, but it seems like an omen. I don't really believe in these things, except when i do. Just so much sadness and loss. It feels so unreal to me. Sometimes i just fucking hate humanity.
dancing or karate?to colorado http://www.flickr.com/photos/figgenhoff
I am so afraid. Of everything. Of it all. Of people. Of failing. Of trying. It is so hard that I am reduced to utter stillness. It is so frustrating to have to psyche myself up just to leave the house. I seem to be incapable of the simplest of tasks. Getting my new glasses was an ordeal only in my mind. The actual process was pleasant and quite easy. In my mind everything becomes everest. In my mind I am afraid to the point of accepting Anything as long as it requires little to no effort. It isn't laziness though I am an extremely lazy man, it is this fear of losing control. In my illness I have acted at times very irresponsibly, taking small slights and inconveniences as personal insults. I have overreacted intensely at times and not been aware of the scale of my inappropriateness until long after the events have transpired. An example. I have at times a severe panic reaction to certain stimuli and places. Loud noises. People acting overly strict or unpredictable. Enclosed spaces. Stores with no direct line of sight to the exit. My panic attacks were quite severe once. They have gotten quite a lot easier to deal with. In san Francisco I went into a safeway to shop and they had closed the exit doors to cut down on theft. The aisles seemed too close together. I began to lose control and panic. I left my cart and ran from the store. The only exit was a fire door. Three security guards followed me yelling that I had stolen something. They chased me through the parking lot. This increased my anxiety and I actually got into a fistfight with all three of them. I fought them off trying to explain that I was having a severe panic attack and that I had stolen nothing. They did not believe me. I have no idea how I was able to fend off three larger men without incurring any injury. I ran away. I had done nothing wrong technically. I just lost control of myself. Being a pedestrian in San Francisco can be quite dangerous. I have been hit and nearly hit so many times when I was following the signs and using the crosswalk that I began to feel persecuted by traffic and felt cars were trying to kill me or just not paying enough attention to avoid me when I was legally crossing the street. I began to slam on doors and windows of cars that threatened my safety. Quite dangerous, nearly arrested and got into a serious fight where my head was slammed onto the pavement. I was living in the tenderloin at the time so I always carried a knife. I had to pull it out on the guy that smashed my head to the concrete. The cops came by five seconds after he drove off and almost arrested me. But ended up letting me go after taking my knife. This wasn't glamorous or hardcore. It was my inability to distinguish being targeted for attack which I was often and people just being stupid lazy or inattentive. I carried a knife for two years and pulled it out many times for my safety or to avoid attacks. Eventually I realized it was much safer to not have a weapon. But this took many life threatening events for me to get this lesson. I had guns pulled on me, knives pulled on me, crazy people following me with unknown and strange intents. San Francisco is a crazy place, a crazy making place. I suppose that depends on where you live and where you go. I never felt at home there. Always an alien. Always a stranger. Always getting into trouble somehow. I made poor decisions. Sometimes I just became confused about social norms and overreacted. I have been back since and somehow even though I felt once that it was my city. It seemed to have lost its charm for me. I feel like I could never live there again. Hopefully denver will work out better.
Hope I spelled that right. I would die inside if I was wrong about anything. I was playing triple town or as I call it angry bears on Facebook when I saw that my estranged daughter was online. I got so excited and confused that I somehow changed the default language to farsi. I just got a blackberry tablet for fathers Day and have almost completely stopped using my laptop. Sometimes the buttons on websites are all a little confusing. I told my daughter is loved her and would always have a place for her. I guess I gushed a little too much because I made her well she said stressed. I don't see how love can make you stressed. I am a very loving person. Very expressive. She isn't used to this as she has been around her mother too long. A terrible person she is. Not loving at all. My new family is so different. We hug and express our affection all the time. I miss my daughter so much. It hurts so bad. I miss my mother as well. I won't miss anything else about california when I leave. I haven't been very good at making connections in my life. If I had stayed in the Bay area instead if moving to fresno to start my new family. I would have had so much more time with my mother. But less with my daughter as her mother let her come and stay with me a few times since I've been here. Something that never would have happened in my old life. I lived in a hotel very near the tenderloin so that would not have worked out. Now I live with my fiancee and her three kids in a proper house. We are poor but we have always made it through these hard times. So let me ramble then. Isn't everything terrible in America right now. I mean every fucking thing? It's not just me. Everything is harder and people are lying to themselves when they pretend this financial situation we find ourselves in is anything but a depression. I laugh when I read about the end of the great recession in 2009. It never ended. Things never got any better. I have always been poor and so has my baby. It isn't anything new, it seems like it is the loss of any positive future that is new. Let me give you three definite events that will soon occur and make this bad situation a whole lot worse. One. The impending global financial clusterfuck. Two. The certainty of a major food crisis worldwide. And three. The point which has already passed when something could have been done to stop the certainty of global warming. Crazy solutions that would never have been considered have to be put back on the table when we reach the point of no return. I talk to no.one but myself and my lover. Really though I care about the fate of the world and humanity and life in total. I am a depressive and so naturally its easy for me to see the doom. But I am not delusional. Respected scientists, economists and sociologists are agreeing with me which is rather scary. I will be here for forty more years, but this may be the end of what we consider to be a sane livable world in a few generations. I used to think I could be a part of the solution. Somehow make this world a better place but now I have all but given up. It seems like we all have given up on the dream, of any dream. My girl says nothing will change in our country except through the violent overthrow of the government. the political process has become so dysfunctional that I find it hard to see an alternative. The land grab on personal rights and the rapid formation of our severe police state since the events of nine eleven make such actions nearly unthinkable. I loathe to think the only way out of this mess is a prolonged bloody coup that has zero chance of success. It leads me to think there is no way out of the problems we have created using the same kind of thinking that caused it. It's a common truth. Sometimes the way out of problems is to change your level of thinking about the problem completely, go to the next level. What this would mean in reality is beyond me. We seem stuck. In a very very bad place with no obvious escape. Not that there isn't a solution, just not one that can presently be imagined. It leaves me feeling quite hopeless and powerless. Of course, there is something else. This focus on the world and it's ills is an easy way to distract myself from my own crippling personal problems. Which also seem insoluble. An evolutionary jump in thought is required in any case. One I am currently unable to imagine or even attempt.
Going soon. Leaving california. Maybe for good. I really don't like it here much anymore. Been in the hell mouth of fresno for nearly three years. So depressed. So lost. But then it's always been this way. Gonna miss my daughter. Gonna miss my mom. I won't miss this town and I won't miss california. I am done with it. Sometimes I think something big is going to happen. Something that will change the world, change us. So much that in ten or twenty years we will look back with shame at our ungainly adolescence. Sometimes I think we are all doomed to be hateful, selfish and destructive forever. I guess we will see. I used to create. I used to think it mattered. I used to think I could care again. Maybe that is coming too. Sometimes I long for death, or more accurately just a sleep that is peaceful and neverending. I don't know if I am going to make it. Sometimes I can be such a miserable person. Sometimes I hate myself so much. I have so much more in my life now than I ever did before. I don't have meaning however, that always seems to elude me. I don't read. I don't write. I don't make art. I don't take pictures. I don't make movies. I don't do much of anything. Escaping reality seems to be the only thing I through myself into fully. So afraid of failure, of success of trying. I so want this new life to work. I have been sick with depression for twenty years now. Sometimes it just goes away. Sometimes I revel in torturing myself. Sometimes I wake up and live. But not today. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Next month will surely be different because I will be in Colorado. Maybe it will make a difference. Maybe I can change. No one will read this. No one will care. I have no friends. I gave up on the Internet for everything except entertainment and news. It's like a dream. That somehow at one time I thought any of this crap mattered. Being unknown is such a strange thing. Not knowing yourself strangest of all. It isn't from a lack of searching. I have sought myself. I have sought meaning in this strange world. Nothing has been gained. I have love. I have a new family. They love me and for them I would walk through hell. That is all the purpose I can hope for right now. I am uncertain. I am afraid. I sometimes can't move or get out of bed. But sometimes life is beautiful and I shine. My life has changed so much. I can't tell what it means. I do know I have failed to make my new life work. To really live it. To really live in the world. I have been hiding for such a long time. I have forgotten my stories. My lessons. My meaning. I hope I can reclaim what I have lost and be a real person again. We will see. I haven't written for such a long time. I would like to keep a journal again. Maybe I can do it here.